


All that's left is molecules of you

by Madiii



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Back Together, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Post-Break Up, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, To be honest, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, it's more of a, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 14:30:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15317514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madiii/pseuds/Madiii
Summary: Steve and Bucky were the perfect couple according to all their friends. Until five months ago they would have said the same.





	All that's left is molecules of you

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Molecules by Hayley Kiyoko.
> 
> Also please keep in mind that English isn't my first language, so please tell me if I made any huge mistakes.

Steve and Bucky were the perfect couple according to all their friends. Until five months ago they would have said the same.

Then they weren't anymore.

They fought constantly, about the stupidest things that weren't even worth it.

With time the fighting got worse. They began to bring up old arguments, arguments that were long settled.

Eventually, it got so bad that they broke up.

After a particularly nasty argument, Bucky packed up all of his things.  
He left after that. He took everything that was his and walked out of the door of their shared apartment.

Bucky took everything except that one hoodie that has always been on Steves side of the closet.

Steve just broke down after Bucky left. He knows he should have gone after him, stopped him, do anything, but he just stands there frozen as Bucky packs his things.

He did nothing and now Bucky is gone.

And Steve doesn't know where Bucky is gonna go. Or more like he doesn't want to admit it to himself that Bucky is probably gone forever.

Because if he's being real with himself he knows that Bucky is off to Natasha and Clint's apartment. After all, Nat is his best friend.

The next few days were especially hard for Steve he's so used to Bucky being around that it's hard to believe he isn't there anymore, he still makes two coffees in the morning, he misses Buckys cuddles in bed, he misses having a lazy night in front of the TV with Bucky. He misses Bucky. But it's too late now, Bucky is gone.

Steve mostly wails in self-pity the days after the breakup. He probably still would, had it not been for Sam who came by to look after Steve after he didn't answer any of his calls or messages.

Sam is his best friend and before the breakup, Bucky was also his best friend, his best friend and boyfriend. Now Sam is his only best friend.

And Sam is on a mission to help Steve.

Once Steve lets him inside and Sam sees just how much just how much of a mess Steve is, just how badly Steve is doing, he's going into full protective best friend mode.

Sam even moves in with Steve after two weeks, partly because this own apartment sucks and partly because he doesn't want to leave Steve alone to drown in his self-pity.

Things slowly get better. Steve doesn't think about Bucky as much as he used to. And he's having fun with Sam. And living with him isn't so bad either, sure it's not the same as living with Bucky, but it's fine. Also, he missed spending time with Sam.

Everything is fine until that one moment where everything around Steve just crashes.

The moment where he's thrown back to his relationship with Bucky and got overwhelmed by his feelings.

Steve has been going through his closet when he saw it.

A hoodie. A hoodie that belonged to Bucky. A hoodie that Bucky must have forgotten when he left. A hoodie that hasn't been touched since the breakup. The hoodie Steve always stole from Buckys side of the closet, until it eventually was always on his side. The hoodie that always smelled like Bucky. His favourite hoodie from Bucky.

Carefully he pulled the hoodie out of the closet.

He wondered if the hoodie would still smell like Bucky, even after a month of just hanging in the closet.

So he hesitantly pulled the hoodie closer to his face, to smell it. It did still smell like Bucky.

It was too much for Steve, he was finally moving on from Bucky. And now he was back at the beginning.

Buckys smell felt like home. It felt safe and warm. And it was just Buckys smell, just that threw Steve back.

He wanted to move on, he wanted to get over Bucky because he knew he wasn't coming back. But apparently, he can't do it.

Eventually, he gives into the urge of putting the hoodie on, it can't get any more pathetic either way. It would probably be less pathetic to wear the hoodie instead of just smelling it.

It felt really good because it was Buckys hoodie, it still smells like him and felt like home. It was comfortable and a bit oversized, it has always been oversized on both of them. The oversized aspect just made the hoodie even more comfortable.

Steve immediately felt more relaxed and warm. He hasn't felt like this since the breakup.

That's how Sam found him a few hours later. Sitting on his bed, wearing a hoodie from his ex-boyfriend and crying his eyes out.

Instead of saying anything Sam just sat down next to Steve and hugged him, waiting for him to calm down.

As Steve calmed down he told Sam what happened. He told him about Buckys hoodie. Told him about how the hoodie makes him feel.

Sam understood but also advised Steve to get rid of it, to move on. Because it was obviously not helping.

But Steve couldn't get rid of it. He just couldn't do it, no matter how hard he tried. The hoodie felt too much like home. It felt too warm and comfortable for it to throw it away.

So Steve began to wear the hoodie around the apartment when he felt especially bad an lonely. The hoodie would comfort him like Bucky had once.

Steves worst day started normally.

It was one of the days were he felt lonely and bad, and Sam wasn't there, so he put on Buckys hoodie.

As he made his way into the kitchen and wanted to make coffee, he realized that there wasn't any left. Sam must've used the last bit before he left for work.

So he prepares to go out and buy new coffee since he can't function without and actually has to get work done today.

He quickly pulls on some sweatpants, grabs his keys and wallet and goes out.

He only realizes that he's still wearing Bucky's hoodie when he's already halfway at the supermarket.

Whatever, nobody will notice that this is not his hoodie but the hoodie of his ex-boyfriend, who he still kind of has feelings for. Nobody will know that he's pathetic like that.

Except people will think he's pathetic because he looks like he has been crying, which he has, and is wearing an oversized hoodie with sweatpants. So they will think he's pathetic but for a whole different reason than wearing Bucky's hoodie.

The worst part of his worst day began in the supermarket.

The supermarket was really crowded and the people were rude. And Steve could already see that the line at the checkout was really long.

He wanted to turn around and just go home as soon as he set foot in the store. Maybe that would have been better. Maybe then he wouldn't have met Bucky in the coffee aisle.

Steve sees him just as he picked up the coffee and is about to head to the checkout line.

Bucky has his back turned to Steve and talks to Nat and Clint.

Steve hopes he can out of there without any of them noticing him. Not today, not on the day he's wearing Buckys hoodie and looks like he has been crying for days.

Of course, Clint notices him and calls out his name, which causes Nat to punch him in the shoulder and Bucky to turn around and look directly at him.

Steve wants to vanish.

Why do these things happen to him? Why does the universe hate him? What has he done to deserve this?

Now he can't just go, that would be even more awkward. Who just leaves when they see people that they're friends with? Even if one of them is your ex-boyfriend who you are still in love with.

To make it even better, Bucky doesn't even go over to him on his own terms, that would at least mean he wants to talk to him. No, Clint pushes him in Steves direction, which earns him another punch from Natasha.

And now Bucky is standing right next to him and looking at him. Seeing that Steve is wearing his hoodie, although they broke up five months ago.

Steve really hopes that Bucky doesn’t recognize that he’s wearing his hoodie. But he probably will notice, Bucky always notices these things.

The whole situation is awkward and weird. They’re just standing there awkwardly, not knowing what to say after 5 months of silence. And Nat and Clint are staring at them expectantly, which doesn’t help either.

“Sooo…”, Bucky trails off.

“So. Eh, what are you up to?”, Steve awkwardly mumbled, while pulling the hoodie sleeves over his hands.

“Nothing, really, you?”, asked Bucky, equally awkward.

“Same. I was just getting some coffee, Sam drank the last. And I can’t function without, and I wanted to get some work done today and now I’m probably boring you. I mean, why would you care, we broke up five months ago. You don’t care anymore. God, why am I still talking? Anyway, it was good talking to you again, but I have to go now. Bye!”, ranted Steve while slowly stepping away from Bucky. He really hopes he can save himself anymore embarrassment and just go, without any of them stopping them.

At least Bucky hasn’t noticed that Steve’s wearing his hoodie, or that his cheeks are tear stained. Or he probably noticed the tear stains and just don’t comment it, because he doesn’t care. Why would he care they broke up, he has no reason to care anymore.

As Steve was already several steps away from him he heard Bucky call his name, so against his better judgement to just leave, he turned around and looked at Bucky again.

Now that he’s really looking at him, it seems like Bucky has been crying too, he doesn’t look as worse as Steve, mostly because he’s not wearing sweatpants and an oversized hoodie, but still. Also, his cheeks are not tear stained like Steves, his eyes are just a bit puffy and red, which makes the crying less obvious. But why has he been crying? Steve cannot think of a single thing that would make Bucky cry. He has only seen him cry twice since they’ve known each other, which has been since the beginning of high school.

“Steve? Can you please just wait? Please.”, Bucky asked hesitantly. He looked broken, Steve noticed. Broken and defeated.

“Eh, do I have to? Like I really need to get back home”, answered Steve. This felt like a lie, he felt home when he was around Bucky, even now. He wanted to speak to him, but it hurt. And now Natasha was glaring at him, which was nothing weird, she glared at most people, but Clint also glared at him, which was very weird, considering Clint never glared at people. Steve didn’t even know Clint could glare.

“Look, I understand, but please, just…”, Bucky trailed off sadly.

Steve hated to see Bucky sad, he had always hated it. And as much as he wanted to stay and talk to him, he just couldn’t. He couldn’t deal with all his emotions. He’s already a mess, if he would stay, he would be even more of a mess.

“I’m sorry, I can’t, I just-, I can’t”, he replied, he could feel the tears coming. He is going to cry any moment now, he had to get away. He couldn’t deal with this anymore, it hurt too much. As he turned around and walked away the tears started flowing. He was glad that he could get away before they started flowing.

But apparently, he spoke too soon, because as soon as he was in the next aisle he could feel a hand on his shoulder. As he turned around, he saw that Nat was standing there, and she was still glaring at him. Weird.

“You are fucking stupid. Why are you like this?”, she hissed angrily. This might be the angriest he has seen her, which is really weird, considering they are in a supermarket and she just saw Steve and Bucky talk.

“What do you mean? Why am like what? I’m really confused and would like to be left alone so I can wallow in my self-pity.”, he said while pulling the hoodie tighter around him. The hoodie still felt like home too him, even after the talk with Bucky.

“Ok, I’m not going to spell it out for you. But you can’t tell me you don’t have feelings for him anymore. Because you are wearing his hoodie, the one you always wore when you were still together, and you look like you have been crying a lot. And don’t try to talk yourself out of this, you know I’m saying the truth and you know I wouldn’t say these things to hurt you.” she said softly, all her previous anger had vanished.

“Look, I’m just wearing this hoodie because it was the only thing that was not dirty and it’s really comfy. I don’t have feelings for him anymore, I really don’t.”, he lied, even though he knew it wouldn’t work. Nat always knew when people were lying to her.

So naturally as he turned around again to finally go to the checkout line, he was stopped by Nat again.

“Look, we both know you are lying through your teeth right now. Why bother lying. You are wearing this hoodie because it smells like him, you miss him. This isn’t something bad. Steve, you are crying right now, I can tell you still love him. Trust me it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Look, can you please just come with me? Please trust me, it’s nothing bad. I promise. Just hear Bucky out please, if you really want to leave after that, you can. Promise.”, she said with a softness in her voice, that Steve didn’t know she had. He had never heard her speak like that.

“Ok, fine, I will come with you. But I will leave if I’m too uncomfortable. And I can tell you now that I will so prepare for me leaving as soon as I can.”, Steve sniffed.

As they were going back to the coffee aisle, where Bucky and Clint were still waiting, Steve remembered that there were new, fresh tears on his face, tears he didn’t want Bucky to see so plainly. So he tried his best at drying his tears with the sleeves of Buckys hoodie.

“Hey, Nat, wait a moment. Do I look bad? Like I know I have tear stains all over my face and my face is really puffy because I cried so much, but like how bad does it look?”, he suddenly asked.

“Steve, you know I’m going, to be honest, I’m not going to talk it better than it is. With that said, you look really sad. Like you are drowning in the hoodie, you have a puffy face with tear stains all over it, and your hair looks like you haven’t washed it in days. But don’t worry, honestly, Bucky would look the same if I wouldn’t have forced him to get out of this slump. Now let’s get moving again, I don’t want to be here all day.”, Natasha said while dragging him along.

When they were back in the coffee aisle he could see that Bucky hadn’t moved since Steve walked away, and he still wasn’t moving, it seemed like he was in some kind of shock. Clint had just moved closer to him, probably to comfort him.

A few steps before Bucky, Natasha let go of his wrist and told him to stay, then she moved on to Bucky and said something to him, Steve couldn’t understand what though.

After she spoke to Bucky she gestured to Steve to come over. Bucky still looked kind of shocked, but Steve walked over nonetheless. He was kind of scared of what Nat would do if he didn’t do what she said.

As soon as he was next to Bucky again Nat and Clint left, to finish their shopping they said. So they were alone, this time. Steve really hopes that this doesn’t end in a disaster.

“Soo, uh, Nat said that you wanted to say something.”, Steve said hesitantly as pulled the sleeves of Buckys hoodie down over his hands again.

Buckys eyes followed the movement this time, then his eyes focused on the hoodie. As soon as Steve noticed it, there were sirens going off in his head, Bucky couldn’t notice this now, not now, not ever. But it was too late for that, he guesses.

“You- you are- are you wearing my hoodie? The one you always wore?”, Bucky asked perplexed. Now he looked really confused, almost as if he had an inner conflict.

“Uh, yes I am. It’s comfy and I had nothing else to wear and… Listen, can we please do this somewhere else and not in the middle of a supermarket? Please.”, Steve said insecurely while putting the coffee back on the shelf, he didn’t want it anymore.

After Bucky agreed, they left the store together. After a short talk about where to go, they agreed to go back to Steve’s apartment because Sam would be out all day so they could talk without being interrupted.

The walk to the apartment was awkward for both of them because neither wanted to continue the talk from the supermarket outside, but they didn’t want to be silent either. So they had awkward small talk. It probably would have been best to just walk in silence.

As they got into Steves apartment, Bucky looked around as soon as they were inside. Steve didn't really change the apartment after Bucky left, it looked mostly the same, except for Sams stuff here and there. The only thing that hadn’t changed at all was Steves bedroom, he had left everything exactly like it was since Bucky moved out.

“You know I would offer you coffee, yeah, we don’t have any, and I didn’t buy it at the supermarket, so yeah…,uhh, so, what have you been up to in the last months, since you know? How’s living with Nat and Clint?”, Steve asked awkwardly while they sat down on the worn couch in the living room. Why did this have to be so fucking awkward? Why is speaking to your ex always so awkward? Why?

“It’s fine really, I’m not really thirsty anyway. Uh, honestly I’ve been doing almost nothing, mostly just sitting in Nats and Clint's apartment, doing nothing, when I’m not at work. And living with them has been fine really, except that Nat always wants to drag me out of the apartment. So, uh, what are you up to, except living with Sam?”, Bucky answered slightly nervously. It did sound like he wanted to say something else, but Steve decided to let it rest, he didn’t need to make this even more awkward.

“Eh, I’ve been working on some art pieces, nothing special, and yeah, just hanging out here, nothing fancy.”, Steve said, but the thought of adding that he misses him was in the back of his mind. If he wasn’t such a coward or would have something alcoholic, he would have said it. But seeing as hadn’t he just let his sentence hanging in the air.

“Ok, I’m just gonna be completely honest right now, because I can’t continue on like this. And it seems like you can’t either. I miss you ok, I fucking miss you. I regretted walking out as soon as Nat calmed me down. But I thought you didn't want me anymore, that you had enough of the arguing, that that’s why you didn’t stop me. And honestly, I was kind of hurt that you didn’t even try to stop me. 

But once I realised what I had done, that I just walked out on the person I love the most, I broke down. Like honestly I broke, I cried non stop for days, I locked myself in Nat’s and Clint’s spare room, and just cried in the dark. I didn’t go out for food or anything else, honestly, I don’t know what I would have done without Nat and Clint. 

I probably would still wallow in my self-pity and I would still think that it was all my fault, like they helped me so much. This was the worst heartbreak I have ever felt, losing you was the worst. 

I’ve tried getting over you, I really tried and for a while, it worked but then I saw something that reminded me of you, honestly I don’t even know anymore what it was, and it just completely threw me back, and I was reminded of how much I still love you. 

And today has been one of the days where I miss you so fucking much, even more than on other days, and to be honest, I cried this morning because I thought of you, and I just wanted to stay inside in my bed all day. But then Nat told me to man up and get ready because she thought it would be good for me to go out, get my mind off of you. And what can I say? It worked until Clint saw you in the fucking supermarket and called your name. 

And I thought ‘okay maybe he will just ignore us, maybe this will be fine and I can cry about this at home’ but you didn’t ignore us, you looked straight at us, and then Clint pushed me into your direction and I didn’t know what to do. Because on one hand, I hated him so much at that moment, because I thought you hated me, and on the other hand I was so grateful for that push because I wanted to talk to you, but didn’t know how to approach you. 

And then I didn’t know what to say and I thought I fucked up again when you left so fast. And I thought that that was my last chance at talking to you, at making it right, at telling you everything. 

When you came back with Nat, you looked so broken, and it hurt me to see you like that.  
And when I saw that you are wearing my hoodie, the hoodie you always used to wear, when I was on a work trip, because you felt safe in it, the hoodie that always smelt like me, as you claimed, the hoodie you stole me because of these things. 

I knew you still had to have at least some feelings for me. So I decided to ‘man up’, as Nat would call it, and figured I’d just ask you about the hoodie. So yeah, that’s my side of things.”, Bucky rambled. It was hard to keep up with at first because Bucky spoke fast, but eventually, he calmed down a bit and spoke in a normal speed.

Steve could relate to everything Bucky just said, now he only needed to express that, to tell Bucky. If he wouldn’t do it now, after Bucky was so open and honest with him, he would be an asshole and lose Bucky for good this time.

So Steve began, “Before I say anything else, I just want to say that I completely relate and agree with everything you just said. But I want to tell you my side too. 

When you packed your things and left I was in shock, I wanted to do something so badly, but I just couldn’t move, I was so angry at myself at that moment. Because I thought ‘I could have stopped it’, had I said something we would still be together, so I blamed myself for the breakup. I blamed myself for a really long time, I still kind of do. 

As you tried, I tried to get over you too, Sam helped me immensely by talking some sense into me. And I almost did it, I almost got over you, but just almost. 

Because then I found the hoodie, your hoodie while going through my closet. And all these memories came flooding back. And I was overwhelmed by my feelings for you. 

I couldn’t resist the urge to smell it, to somehow prove that the hoodie means nothing to me, that I can deal with the hoodie, even if it smells like you. I couldn’t deal with it. The smell alone felt like home, like warmth and like comfort, just your smell. 

I completely lost it when I pulled it on, I just couldn’t resist, because alone the smell made me feel better than I had in a while, so why not put it on. Yeah, shortly after I pulled it on, I laid down on the bed, curled up in a ball and just began crying. That’s how Sam found me later. 

He told me to get rid of the hoodie, but I just couldn’t do it. Your fucking hoodie felt too much like home, too warm and comfy. 

So I kept it and wore it when I felt especially bad or lonely. And today happened to be a day like this.

And then the coffee was empty, and I just wanted to go to the supermarket really quick, to grab some coffee. 

I didn’t even mean to go out in this, because I feel really pathetic in this. As if wouldn’t look pathetic enough without it, with my puffy tear-stained face and the sweatpants. But I only realized that I’m wearing your hoodie I was already halfway at the supermarket, so I thought ‘whatever, nobody knows that this is the hoodie of my ex, who I still have feelings for’ and just continued to walk to the supermarket. 

And honestly, I had a weird feeling once I stepped foot into it, like I actually wanted to walk out of there as soon as I was in. But I walked further in anyway. 

Then in the coffee aisle, I saw you, Nat and Clint, just as I wanted to turn around to go. And then Clint called my fucking name, and I swear to god, I hated him a little bit at that moment. 

I thought ‘ok, I can’t just leave now, they obviously know I’m here, it’s rude to just leave’, I thought that maybe you wanted to talk to me, but Clint pushed you in my direction so that hope was crushed. 

The whole time I was so terrified that you could notice that the hoodie is yours, so I wanted to get out as fast as possible. But also because I was almost crying because it was all a little too much for me, and as soon as I walked out of the aisle the tears started streaming down my face.

At that point, I just wanted to leave, but Natasha caught me and talked some sense into me. I’m so grateful for her, honestly without her I would have just left the store and we would never have talked. 

Yeah, then she literally dragged me back to the coffee aisle, so yeah. That was my side of it.”, and there were the tears again, why did he have to cry now of all times. Why now when Bucky was right there and they were trying to talk.

But as he looked closer at Bucky, he could see that he was tearing up too. This seemed to be hard for him too. 

For a while they just sat there, both crying silently on a worn out couch.

Unconsciously they moved closer together until they were touching. It felt like they never broke up. But they did, and they still were, even if both admitted to still having feelings for the other.

“Can I- can I hug you? Might be better than the hoodie, you know. Also, I would just really like to hug you again.” Bucky confessed while trying to dry his cheeks from his, still falling, tears.

After Steve had nodded shyly, Bucky enveloped him in his arms. Both of them immediately melted into the hug, after missing since the break-up. Sure, they both had hugged other people, like their friends, but it was never the same with them as with each other.

It was nice, the hug was nice, it was warm and felt like home. They stayed like that in silence for a while. The silence was somehow comforting, the only noise that could be heard was an occasional sniffling, because of their crying.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, this wasn't supposed to end like this, but it got out of my hand. Maybe I'll write a second chapter to this in the future.
> 
> In the meantime come talk to me on tumblr: [thor-odnsn](https://thor-odnsn.tumblr.com)


End file.
